Packing

Have you ever felt like it was time to pack it in; that all of your efforts, emotional, physical and spiritual have all been in vain? Well, that is exactly the way I feel today. It is like I have been misunderstood for so long that I have started to question my own mission and purpose in life. It is to the point where prayer, counseling or sharing a few feelings with a trusted friend does not cut it anymore. I am like a deaf, dumb and blind man groping in the dark to find meaning in a game of pin ball. The words, actions and deeds of a lifetime just seem to bounce around each other, finally ending up in the gutter down below the glitter of lights and ringing of bells. I find myself alone this morning longing for one last chance to make things right. What else do I stand to lose?

Words can only describe so much, right? Well, I find great comfort in sitting quietly behind this keyboard clicking out a few thoughts that do not come out right as I try to speak them. “Tongue tied’ might be the correct analogy, but somehow the act of combining silent thought with physical effort brings out the essence of my day to day life. One might say that writing is my lifeline or life preserver. The ship may be going down, but the will to survive is the source of buoyancy that keeps hope afloat.

I hope that someone reads this entry today and finds comfort in knowing that they are not alone and that there is another soul out there that just might understand them. All the plaques or diplomas on the wall cannot give true meaning or purpose in life if there is no acknowledgement behind the effort that it took to achieve them. You could say that I am at this very crossroads today bargaining with the devil to please make it all go away for a chance to start all over. I know this is not possible so pounding out a few random ideas seems to fit the bill for my troubled soul. As long as there is hope in the world there will be a way to make it through one more day within the maelstrom. God be with all those who struggle with the real storm raging along the coastline of our country and for those raging against their own inner storm.

Being Seen and Heard

I spent a lot of time in my younger days just trying to fit in with the crowd. In grade school it seemed like I was the prey and a particular group of boys in my class a pack of wolves. There were days on the playground that were like a living hell. The pack quite literally surrounded me and persecuted me for whatever reason they could think of and then there were days when it was like I did not exist at all. By the time junior high school came around, I had learned how to camouflage myself by joining in with the pack as they turned to other ways to amuse themselves. I don’t know if it was because we lived in such a small town that boredom was the cause or the wonder lust of youth that tempted us to break the rules. Even my days as a Boy Scout there were moments when we really did not live by the Scout Oath or Law. In fact, thinking back, I am quite ashamed of some of the things I saw or participated in while away at camp. The point is that choices matter and now that I am older, people really do not change that much over time; they just change the rules of the game.



The challenge I face today is changing the perception I took so long to build as a young man. The wall of security that I thought would keep me from being devoured by the pack now threatens to undo the new me as a man in search of personal integrity. I don’t want to be that fly on the wall any more or the follower who goes along with the current trend. What I have found since becoming a Scout leader is that just because I stand up in front of a crowd does not mean that people see me or listen to what I have to say. In fact, it is like the sound of my voice goes in, rattles around for a bit and then gets lost in the background noise of daily distraction. This is especially true of my two sons, but then they are like I was back when and in search of their own identities. The problem now seems to be how to address the adults who seem to lose very quickly the message I am trying to get out. The problem is being seen and heard.



Some people might say that because I have been unemployed for such a long time begs that I get back to reality and get a life. Yes, it is true, scouting has taken up a lot of my time these past months and years, but it does not say how much I have learned about the person I am and that I might just be on to something that will change the world. Now that seems worth the effort! And so, today I pray for continued patience as I struggle to be seen and heard. To become the man I was meant to be and to challenge others to be more than another rat in the race of life. That it truly matters to stand out front and break the silence in a world so caught up in itself. And so, if any of this makes sense at all to you please go out and challenge what has become acceptable in your own corner of the universe. After all, change can be a good thing.

Always a Sower

There is something about spring that inspires in me a sense of excitement; a feeling of being called outdoors to experience a rebirth in a world that has been held dormant in snow and ice over the long winter months. Perhaps it is the immigrant farmer ancestry in my blood that calls me to become a sower once more. I think this is precisely why Easter comes around every year at this time. How appropriately that God and the church work in harmony to teach us about our faith and the good works we are called to perform each day of our lives.

Any life long farmer will tell you that it is more than just planting seeds in the ground and then sitting back to watch what comes up; it is about cultivating, fertilizing and being mindful of what is occurring during the growing process that can make or break a profitable harvest. There are times when we have to adjust how much effort we put into the crop and when we can rest easy for a while as the rain and summer sun work their wonders. Rest assured, there is more behind this natural process than what ends up on the kitchen table. Even as the last row of corn or beans is gathered up into storage, we are called to carry on the process in our hearts and in our communities. Though there may be snow on the rooftop and ice on the pond; we must carry on with each other what Christ instilled in us with his teaching and death on the cross. We come to know the pains and suffering of life as well as the joy of knowing we are sent to go forth and share the good news as his apostles did. What worry have we “if Christ is for us, who can be against us?” But we also know that despite our efforts, bad times will inevitably come. So, the question arises, “what are we to do?”

Our survival instincts normally kick in about this time and we tend to go with whatever means sustained us in the past. But there will come a time when these tried and true methods fail to satisfy; that is why we need to look somewhere else to get us through. This cannot begin to occur unless we surrender ourselves and allow faith in God to open new avenues of opportunity. Yes, it is good to appreciate the good we were able to do in the past, but in order to survive we must look to the future with new eyes which means we have to let go and let God be our guide.

So, what am I driving at here? Well, to begin with, I believe we need to acknowledge that change is inevitable and that we have to be willing to think differently. After all, we are more than the property we live on or the building we inhabit. Our children are born, grow and learn by our example how to be successful or just plain endure whatever life deals out. We must continue to be sowers no matter how bad things get and do whatever it takes to survive. If that means changing our whole approach, so be it, life will go on and all will stand to gain from the process. Witt.