A Core of hope

I don’t have to remind people how tough things are right now. The economy reminds us every day how our savings dwindle and our pay checks shrivel as for many a forty hour work week has become thirty two or less. For me, like the other 16 plus percent of unemployed workers in my county, opportunities are few and far between as it takes more and more effort week to week just to keep looking. I have come to the conclusion that marketability is the key to opportunity and that is why I have decided to go back to school in search of the degree that has long eluded, tormented and tugged at my brain for nearly fifteen years. What has kept me going all this time is something I like to call ‘A core of hope.”

Not long ago I met with my spiritual director and discussed what hope feels like to me. The image I had is that of gold tested in fire. In 1 Peter: 3-9, this image came to life as she read the passage from the Bible. Deep inside I felt my life story spilling out from within like the tapping of a spiritual reserve I always knew was there but was unable to draw fully from. I have lacked the resolve on many occasions to realize that trials and sufferings are for purifying and refining my purpose in life and not purely for some demonic pleasure bent on tripping me up at every turn on the path. It is hard to describe, but I envision a block of ice slowly melting in the hot sun; the tears of a lifetime of self loathing and failure washing down into a great basin of despair and leaving behind a facade of vulnerability men do not like to talk about. It leaves us open to the fact that we are human and oh so fragile.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had not had to endure the trials in my life that have led me here today. Perhaps if I had overcome my in-most demons way back when then I would be far better off today both financially and spiritually. I know from experience that things don’t always go as planned, and in fact we rarely get to have it both ways. Funny how life works, struggles come and go but do not bare fruit until we are capable of dealing with them. It is like trying to plant a garden without any tools; until we have acquired them the job becomes an exercise in futility. I guess I have had to acquire the tools necessary through life experience rather than by completing a bachelor’s degree and going to work in a profession.

What I know today is reflected in the Harry Potter books where professor Dumbledore counsels Harry with the catch words “eternal vigilance” for there is a dark lord in all of us just waiting to reveal himself when we least expect it. It is our core of hope that keeps us on the straight and narrow path and teaches the lesson of suffering as a way to salvation. Just as a wound bleeds, so the pain warns us of the threat of further injury if we do not bind it up.
“In this you rejoice, even if now for a little while you have to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith- being more precious than gold that, though perishable, is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Although you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, for you are receiving the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 PET: 3-9 NAB.